does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
