I think my fart just growled at me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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