cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am mentally ready for anal.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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