I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
