I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
