i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
