Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
