I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
