Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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