This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
