I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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