turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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