she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
