Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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