I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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