Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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