Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
