I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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