What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
