I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
