Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
