meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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