I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
