I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
