just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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