True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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