That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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