Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm gonna have a badass scar
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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