i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
