Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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