when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
