Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
