Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
