I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
