my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Someone signed my nipple.
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