i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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