hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
