So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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