I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
