I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
