thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
and you fell through a lawn chair
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
