just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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