i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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