My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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