I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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