I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
