everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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