yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
