how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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