The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
