her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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