So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize