textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
this is an emotional support booty call
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
