rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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