She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I need to sanitize my soul.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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